Life and Loss

February 26, Saturday. Life was good... great actually. Chris and I went to the Toyota dealership and I came home with my first ever new car. A gorgeous blue Prius!


February 27, Sunday. I called my Dad and my Grandma. Everyone was doing ok. My Gma has been sick for years so she wasn't doing fabulous but she was okay. She was always up and down. She had emphysema and COPD and was on oxygen full time. But we had a good talk and I went on with my day, just like usual.


March 1, Tuesday. An early morning phone call from my Dad, Gma is in a coma.


March 2, Wednesday. Great news! She is awake and talking to everyone. Chris is still at work on the rig until tonight so I feel like I've been given a chance to get there and see her and tell her again, in person, just how much I love her. I call during the day to check in and she is doing really well and still talking. I spend all day preparing for our trip to Florida. Chris is going to get home around 11pm, sleep until 3-4 and we are going to get on the road.


March 3, Thursday. I've fallen asleep waiting for the alarm. The phone rings at 4am. She's gone. I'm in shock. I really thought I was going to get a chance to see her one last time.


It took us 20 hours to get to my grandmother's house. We intended to stay for just a few days and ended up being gone for 10 days. I lost one of the most important people in my life then Chris lost his job, then we had a car accident that trapped us in Louisiana. I feel like things just started spinning out of control with bad news on top of bad news.


Tomorrow is March 17, two weeks since she died and I still feel totally lost without her. Every day of my life I could feel her love. She was my constant. She was always there for me and even when I made stupid choices she loved me. My life just doesn't make sense without her in it and I'm just so sad. I tried to call her at least every two weeks to check in and just blab to her about the mundane details of my life. I still can't quite grasp the fact that I'm never going to speak to her again.

"Me" Time

yea, two entries in a row!


Do you feel like you need time to yourself, away from your family? Some people probably don't and I think that is totally fine because it's right for them.
I've never had much time away and I was always fine with that and actually pretty judgmental about people that were constantly going out or away. 
The kind of Mom I wanted to be was around most often and family came first. And it worked and I still believe that is how it should be when you have little kids.


But my kids are not little anymore, my husband doesn't come home after work every night and I find myself firmly in a rut and increasingly unhappy about not getting more time "off".  I do think even the most dedicated, present parent needs some down time to recharge. If you have great sleepers it could be a few hours of napping a day, or your kids might go off  to school and leave you to your own devices for 6 hours.


I do not fall into those categories. My kids, obviously at 14 and almost 10, do not nap. They do not go to bed early either. They don't pop off to school. They don't even go to any classes or sports unless I take them.


I am ever present... or maybe they are ever present. I guess it depends on who is telling the story. And my husband is gone for at least half the month.


I know that at this point in my life I NEED, notice I did not say want, some time away from the kids, the house, the dogs, etc. I don't often feel like I have any idea how to spend "me' time. I'm painfully dull and practical is some areas so constantly shopping and ignoring the budget isn't an option and neither is just driving around wasting gas. I'm really not a girly girl so the things some of my friends do just do not interest me.


So while I'm not 100% sure how to fill my "free" time, I do know I need to think of a few options. I doubt the budget has the flex room for a deprivation chamber so this is really the easier route.

Swimming Upstream

I'm really struggling with some issues lately. 


I feel like I really don't have anyone to talk to that can understand or advise so I'm on my own. It's so hard to have Chris gone so often... not that I know he could help but you know, he married me so he has to listen to me.


There is so much that I want to accomplish. I feel like I'm on the verge of some big things and I'm just not sure where I'm going to end up... I guess that's part of the adventure.


John Burroughs is totally my man right now.


Leap, and the net will appear. 

Randomy Randomness

I posted this on a msg board last night and thought I'd share it here so I can remember it...


We've been in the house for 18 days. 

Day 1, we unloaded the uhaul.
Day 2, Dude got fixed and stayed overnight.
Day 3, Get Dude... less than 2 hours later he's bleeding and has removed his stitches. The vet meets us and takes him back.
Day 4, Dh leaves to go back to work. Get tv/internet
Day 6, Dude comes home... full of crazy.
Day 11, finally get wireless network running,  my laptop Dh home around 11pm
Day 12, MIL arrives 
Day 13, Dude starts training classes
Day 18, waiting for MIL to leave for airport. Dh leaves in the morning for another week.


Days that weren't listed often went like this....  


So here I sit on the morning of Day 19. The Dude is for now quietly playing in the back yard... probably destroying something or chewing on rocks, yep he does that.

I didn't sleep so well last night and I'm the only one awake so far, it's kinda nice to have these moments to collect my thoughts and prepare for the day.


My number one goal for the next few days is to regain some kind of routine. I really haven't had a chance to settle in even though it has been almost 3 weeks. I do not like being in limbo, my friends know this and constantly point it out... thanks. lol We have most of the rest of the furniture that we need but it was delivered yesterday and Chris leaves today so odds are it's not going to be set up in time. Now yes, hear me roar, I guess I could try to put the computer desk and bookcases together but let's get real here and realize that I'm probably NOT going to do that.


I'm going to focus on getting into my kitchen and cooking meals, getting the kids back to bed at decent hours, working on Dude's training. 


Eventually, I know everything will be set up and ready and the house will be settled. I just wish it was sooner.

Home Sweet Home

*deep sigh*  The worst is over, I think.


We have moved, it is officially over... all of our stuff is here and we've closed on the house. We need a few big pieces so we can finish unpacking (bookcases, entertainment center, etc).


The house is amazing, which we knew. It is 20 years old so of course it needs some work but we expected that.


Thursday 3/25, My mother in law is flying out for a week so the new routine will have to wait until April 1. I need to get back on track with a lot of things... cooking, blogging, school, crafts. I feel too up in the air with all of this recent upheaval. I need my constants to ground me and make me feel centered. I will get up and clean the kitchen in the morning and that is one of my most zen moments of the day... I want, no, I NEED more of those.

Run, Venus, Run

I love my life. I have an amazing family. 


I try very hard to be a good mom. To fulfill all my obligations to the best of my ability. To learn and grow in ways  that will make my family and house happier. I'm moving ever closer to a more simple, eco-aware, homesteading kind of life and that is a major goal of mine.




But sometimes, like now, I fantasize about running away. Just for a day... not forever. Just a day of no one else in my head, no thoughts of what anyone needs or mentally mapping where all my little ducks are at the moment.


Just one day, one night of freedom. Of being blissfully selfish.


And while those thoughts are still there under the surface, like a dream. One of my kids will make me laugh so hard that I can't catch my breath. Or do something so sweet and genuine that I can feel my heart actually ache with love for the people they are and I know there is no where else I'd rather be.


Sometimes, being "free" isn't all it's cracked up to be.

It's all going to be ok.

I feel very frazzled lately. I'm not blogging because I don't like or want to be a mopey Debbie Downer blogger. 


I've been feeling more and more stress and irritation lately. This is hard... Life is hard! Being a grown up and moving forward and doing great fulfilling things is HARD! 


But good. It is all good. And this stress is temporary for soon another stress is going to take it's place. I need to stop allowing the stress and drama to pull me down. I do not have to choose to let these feelings rule my day.


I'm focusing on the positives and just how amazing my life is. I have the best friends, both online and off, in the world. I have awesome kids that make my life better in every way, even when they are being snotty. I have a husband that has dedicated his life to making me happy and his hard work allows me to stay home and teach our children, follow my creative passions and is the sole reason we are soon moving to a beautiful new home.


Life is Good and I am lucky and appreciative.


Stress, you can go Suck It! because I'm over letting you run the show.

Feeling the stress

Stress, for me at least, isn't just a vague panicky feeling. It is a physical manifestation... I FEEL it in my body. I feel it up my back. The unpleasant tingle of tightening muscles, of raw nerves.

This process, this stress, of buying a home. Of getting paperwork in order, waiting for inspections, waiting to see what the seller will agree to fix... waiting waiting waiting. 

Secure the loan... open up your bank account, your educational history, a million little details that supposedly tell them all they need to know about who and what we are. All they need to know to decide our future.

I feel like a scientific specimen. Flayed open, tiny pokes, constant prodding. Organs, thoughts, actions.. the minutiae of my life held up and inspected. 

Soon this roller coaster will stop and with luck we will have the house of our dreams. And while I anxiously long for that reward I cannot say I'm enjoying the ride.

And the search continues

Buying a house is a total emotional roller coaster. I'm already feeling the effects and we've barely started the process. 


I realized last night that I was not at all being honest with myself. I was getting stars in my eyes over updated baths and double ovens. But the fact is we live a certain life in our home and the space has to support that or we... I will end up hating that house in a few years and I so do not want that.


Because we homeschool, I have a home business and my husband is home every other week for 7 days we must have not only a certain amount of space but it also has to be arranged right to be useful to us. A giant living room looks great at first but once it's covered in school books and crafty bits because we have no where else to work,  it's not going to seem so awesome.


So we are still searching, but maybe with a bit more of a realistic eye. The right space first, cosmetic updates second most important. We have years to make this house a home and we can tackle projects one at a time until it is perfect.

New Year, New Projects

So my friend Empress asked me to join her in starting a vegetarian blog that seemed more real life... no perfect kitchens and blingy cameras. I was totally on board and this was what we ended up with...    


The Real Mom's Vegetarian Starter Kit

Recipes, reviews, handy tips and stories from the trenches of picky kids, pickier husbands, successful meals and total disasters.

And I've decided to try the 365project... again!  Last year I failed but I have a good feeling about 2010. You should join me!


 Venus 365

Today was made of yuck

I am a southern girl... I was born in the south and I've always lived here. I do not enjoy cold, windy, rainy days... at ALL! But that is what I got today and I had to go out in it multiple times.

My daughter, Teagan, is not feeling well so she couldn't go with me and had to stay home with the 13yo. Here she is later in the day hamming up the pitiful while

drinking her tea.

A head cold never looked so cute.

As far as food, it was basically meat free fast food.
Total crap comfort food otherwise known as Cincinnati Chili




Here is how I ended the day

homemade hot chocolate. yes my oversized mug says Princess... you gotta problem with that?

Not even a full month between posts

I'm getting better. ;)

Ok so... lets see what I have to catch you up on.

I had a bad gall bladder attach on the 14th, it lasted about 3.5 hours and it sucked wind! But I survived and the next day (the 15th) I got up and felt better... until round 2 started! I've never had back to back attacks like that and it was horrible. I know, I know... you are screaming GO TO THE DR AND GET IT CUT OUT YOU FOOL! right about now but I refuse for a few reasons.

1) I don't want to lose any organs until I really have to.
2) Lots of people have side effects from removing the gb
3) You can still have problems with gall stones even if you remove the gb.

To make matters more fun, on the day of my 2nd attack I had to go to the grocery store because the boy had a stomach bug and it was not pretty. Neither was me walking through the store hunched over and shuffling. lol

on the 16th I turned 34! and the boy was better but still tired and the girl got the bug... GAH. and I was off solid food trying to baby my gall bladder. And of course, did I mention that Chris was working in Texas through all of this. Sigh

There has been another huge change but I'm going to give that it's own entry...

There is NO excuse for my behavior.

It was June when I last updated... seriously?


Let's see. We had a Teagan birthday

the rest of the pics are here... http://www.flickr.com/photos/itsvenus/sets/72157621702460697/

New school year started

We've adjusted our activities a bit, now we are doing... Cam = golf lessons, Teagan = Girl Scouts, Both = Chess, Bowling.

All of the curlies in my family have given up shampoo, you can read a bit about that and see our updates here. http://www.flickr.com/photos/itsvenus/sets/72157621708652510/ I might do a whole post about this in the near future.

I've made a few toys but mainly goofed off on facebook. :D

Inability to deal with stress

It is interesting to be faced with a flaw we didn't realize we had. I tend to thing I'm a fairly strong, stoic person. Can you say DENIAL? I know you could.

Man it stings to be so wrong. I haven't even had that bad of a day. This is how it all went down...

Hit the grocery store which is always kinda tiring, IMO.

Had to drop the hammer on the kids for constantly breaking the rules. I hated that. I hate feeling like the bad guy even when they basically drove me to the bad guy store and bought the outfit for me. Then after they were in for the night they tried to weasel more perks out of me. ARGH!

The dog barking at everything, every knock, every movement out the window... it HAS to stop. Her bark is brain piercing and sets me on edge faster than anything.

I got my first two orders through my new site. YAY! But then... "omg I have to do 6 toys and find the right socks for them and have them perfect" set in and I started feeling overwhelmed.

Chris will be home in 24 hours and the house needs to be cleaned and organized. And then I start feeling panicky about all the stuff we have to get done during the times he is home. And he is really tired when he is home so I often feel like his weeks home, which I first thought would be like time off for me, are even more stressful than the weeks he is gone.

The dog is STILL not figuring out the house training thing. I do not think she gives a shit. If we manage to get her out when she feels like going that's fine but if not it doesn;t bother her to go right on the floor. She esp. can't be trusted near carpet. So we are "tomato staking" her right now... leash on and with a person 24/7 or crated. So I go in my room and Teagan had her leash on the doorknob, went to get water and left her alone on my carpet... yep you guessed it. At least it was only pee.

That was my last straw, I was on the phone with Chris and I yelled at the kids and dog (BAD MOM!) and shut myself in my room and got all teary. Yes, there are some um, hormone issues going on right now too but seriously I HATE that I am this shakable. Ugh, it may well be time for happy pills because I'm not sure how I will do when/if the time comes that Chris isn't just gone for 7 days but maybe 14 or 28.

Now I have to try to find some bit of happy and perky and get ready to do INUIY in 2 hours. Or at least tap into the bitchy side of it all instead of the whiny. lol

I'm so bad lately!

We've been busy busy busy.

I've been planning the new school year and I'm almost ready for the purchase part. That is always the most exciting (and often nerve wracking) part of the school year. And then the boxes start arriving and you get to go buy new school supplies... sigh, it is just bliss.

Or, I'm a weirdo... that's also possible. lol

Things are going well in Casa de Fibres.

I'm having a website made, that's my big news. WOOHOO! The husband is getting back into the swing of work after the 6 week layoff.

The little found dog's former owners never searched for her as far as I can tell and after seven weeks I am no longer searching for them and I finally feel like she is ours.

We have a moving update... the new plan is to move when our lease is up in November and rent a house there. It's foolish to buy (IMO) without living there for a while anyway and if we have to rent regardless, we might as well rent there and make sure we like it before setting down roots. I will miss the fabulous friends I have made but I guess that's to be expected.

Ok I think that is it for this quick update... I'll be back soon with a link to my brand new website so stay tuned!

Frustration

We are planning on moving, not sure if I have blogged about that but I think I did. We are moving to TX. We were hoping to move by the end of the year. Our apt lease is up in Nov. and we can go month to month but we would have loved to have that be a short term option. But it seemed like pushing the move until Spring 2010 was more realistic.

Now the time off work is eating our savings and pushing back the prospect of moving even further. It is so frustrating. Our apt is small and at first it seemed fine but as time goes on I swear it feels like the rooms are shrinking in on us. I'm so tired of not having my own washer/dryer, esp. today after having a pukey girl last night. I'm sick of putting quarters in the loaded machines to find out after the fact that they are broken. Ugh so many other little annoyances. I do not know how we can possibly live here for another year, year and a half... TWO?!

I'm so tempted to start researching the rental market in TX and just heading out when our lease expires.

SIGH

Doing my "homework"...



I just wish the actual start of the process wasn't so damn far away. September is when we tentatively decided to get serious and get a lender and agent involved.

I guess I shouldn't skip again

Twice in a row is poor form. I'm working on orders. Last night I went to bed at 9pm with a headache. Tomorrow I'll be back to my usual updating.

My wonderful children

I took this photo for some family and friends that wanted to see the children and then I decided that I would make it my photo/blog of the day.



I know all parents are biased but I really adore my children. They are two amazing human beings and I feel very fortunate that I get to be their Mom.

Spring is springing in the south

Heavy pic entry so be warned...









And my new cheap, cute shoes ;)